Marriages 2 Essay, Research Paper
People should have the right to choose their own life companions. They should do so by getting married to someone of their own preference, rather than their marriage being arranged.
What is an arranged marriage? An arranged marriage is a deceptively risk free option while in reality has even more risks. Because the choice made without the right questions being asked can turn out to be the wrong choice in the long run. Thus a decision made based on superficial questions rear people who are incapable of making correct decision almost in everything. Arranged marriages were predominant in the past and therefore anyone falling into these commitments at present, will face difficulties and have a hard time. They were more recognized in the Asian countries where they still exist.
Arranged marriages can be somewhat compared to blind dating. In some parts of the world such the majority of the Asian continent, certain procedures related to arranged marriages may be carried out. When a young woman reaches marriageable age, she and her parents compile a packet of information about her, including a photograph of her in her best dress and descriptions of her family background, education, hobbies, accomplishments, and interests. Her parents then inquire among their friends and acquaintances to see if anyone knows a man, who would be a suitable husband for her. The person who does become the go- between, showing the packet to the potential bridegroom and, if both parties are interested, arranging a meeting between them.( The man provides photograph and information as well.) such meetings often take place in the restaurant of a posh hotel. The go-between is present, usually along with the representatives from both families. If the young couple feel inclined, they will begin dating, with marriage as a possibility, and thus remain miserable for the rest of her life because the decision is not what she favored but rather would take the decision in order to secure and lead a good life, rather than realize what her future holds for her with the person she is going to spend the rest of her life with; someone who she hardly knows and vice versa . This consequence results as the most important ingredient for a successful marriage, LOVE, is missing.
By referring to examples, statistics, facts, my own experiences and experiences of others, as evidence, arranged marriage can be presented as a problem. Arranged marriages take place mainly in most of the third world , or Asian countries such as India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh ,as well as the Arabic speaking communities, the Turkish, Greek, Fijian, some parts of Europe, in Australia s Lebanese, Filipino communties, within Muslim, Hindu and other religious groups. For example because of the unsuccessful consequences, the proportion of arranged marriages in Japan vary from 25 to 50 percent. These kind of practices are also carried out in Australia s ethnic communities. One example that can be used here to describe the unfairness of arranged marriages can be expressed in the story of Rindi who was 22, when she met Mark , a TAFE teacher in a western Sydney college where she studied laboratory techniques part-time. They became friends ,and she confided in him about her life at home with her Indian born parents and close relatives in a north-western Sydney suburb. She was srictly supervised by her parents, brothers and in-laws, and her brothers often threatened to beat her for disobedience. One day she told him she was to be forced into marriage. ” I didn t believe they could dothis, it scared Rindi very much,” says Mark. Her family advertised for ahusband, and had two replies with photographs. One man was known to the family in India. ” He d had a reasonable education and they thought he could solidify the family network.” Rindi asked Mark if he could help her escape the marriage. They planned for her to fly to New Zealand wher a brother lived whom she trusted to help her. ” Rindi always talked about having her own freedom, because she never had it at home,” says Mark. In several visits , she secretly transferred her belongings to Mark s flat. He lent her $400 for the airfare,as her earnings were paid into the account that only her mother could access. They said good bye at the airport. ” It was a sad parting , as if she had suddenly realised what it meant to be walking away from the life she knew.” But only a week later Rindi was back home; her brother tricked her into coming back home by telling her that her father had suffered a stroke. When she next contacted Mar, she seemed to be have resigned herself to fate. “I m sacrificing my life for my family,” she told him in a brief phone call. Her family were keeping a close watch on her and would not allow her out of the house by herself. A week later Rindi was taken by her mother to India, to be married. Other incidents may be in the backward villages and some posh parts of countries such as India and Pakistan, where the daughter is engaged at birth and has no right to choose, or even have a guy as a friend. This may have very bad consequences and effects on the girl s upbringing and frame of my mind. Another example can be given in reference to countries such as India and Pakistan, where the arranging of marriages is so common that not only are the couples the biggest part of the marriage but all the relatives, as well.
There have been various scenarios which I have witnessed where arranged marriages have been the cause of distress, depression and frustration in peoples lives. For example, this incident took place say two years ago, and was experienced by a far away relative of mine. Just after two years of her marriage, her marriage was in a total mess, as things between her husband and parents chosen husband were not working out. They had two children so she could not even separate or get a divorce as it would have a large effect on the children. She however dealt with the problem in solitude and after serious of continuous arguments and daily quarrels, in time, became a victim of drugs, depression, high blood pressure and diabetes.
Other pieces of evidence can be given with citations and readings from various books as well as, magazines, novels, media, internet and other outside sources. For example one such site from the article analyzes how arranged marriages are performed in unfair conditions where there is a lot of guilt and wrong doings involved. Another example can be taken from a book called , ” Marriages and problems” in which the author relates sickness, frustration, and medication to the problems of arranged marriages.
Many arranged marriages are arranged without the consent of the bride, or where she has little opportunity to go against the wishes of her parents. The bride is likely to be still at school, and influenced by western values. But her parents are often immersed in a conflicting cultural and religious tradition in which arranged marriage is the norm. In some cases, their daughter s consent may also be subordinate to their desire to bring another member of the extended family from the home. Overseas marriages are being arranged, in some parts of the world; these are for 14 and 15 year old school girl, and sometimes marriage is coerced with violence or the threat of violence, say social workers and sources in community groups. Multiculturalism is about tolerating the differences between our rich mix of cultures, but it also be an excuse for ignoring practices that would not be tolerated.
These problems in arranged marriages may also exist because couples fall into these life- long commitments unaware of what their life, with his or her life partner, holds for them. They have no sense of how the other thinks, reacts, what he or she likes, wants, etc. It is a new life which they have to spent together discovering who the other person really is. In the beginning things will be very different when compared to the later years of marriage lives. A feeling of freshness, care, sharing , sensitivity ,acceptance and many other feelings, emotions, may be observed in the first few years of the arranged married lives. But once the husband and wife get used to each other and start to know each other inside out, this is where the problems arise; this is a turning point in their relationship; it is here where the couples experience a feeling of frustration, depression as misunderstandings come into consideration. The strong trust that should hold the couple together startrs to fade away. A feel ing of belonging no longer exists between the couple. Arguments and quarrels may become a part of everyday life. Both husband and wife may start commenting about anything and everything; this may vary from their children to anything in their house. As in they might not agree on something, say which school to send their children in, or say what to be cooked or what furniture to buy, etc. The couples may nol onger confide in each other or look upto each other in order to get the support which is a necessity in this communion of marriage. There might be different religious views, say one of the spouses, may not be that religious and the other may, thus this may have an effect on the children. One of them may possess some bad habits which may have been oly observed after marriage; thus causing problems to deal with for the other person; marriage may have been carried out only for financial stability purposes, in which case there is no communication at all between the husban and wife but just the name in society that the couple is married. Thie usually happens in the Asian countries. Other instances may be in some parts of India and Pakistan, where marriages are decided between families from birth; this gives the husband and wives no chance at all to explore the world or socialize as they are already bound in the matrimony. These kind of arranged marriages have a very less possibility to survive as both the husband and wife may not be happy with the decision, and have to live the rest of their lives in solitude and misery. The spouses may have different views , opinions and ideas about the smallest things;a nd such small differences as well as the major ones may make the couples think how unsuitable they are for each other. For example they might not like the same movies, or the same songs or food; and the major ones may be differences in the upbringing of their children, future plans together, financial , social discussions. Differences are important in order for a relationship to survive, but so are differences.
These problems may bring about big changes in the lives of both husband and wife. As in both , since they are having problems would want to stay away from each other s way and may do so by staying away fro m home, so that they would not have to confront each other. This further effects their relatitonship, making them more distant. If the couple has children, the direct effect will take place on their children, as the child will not receive due to the parents problems, proper nourishment, care, attention, love, which are very important in the growing years of the child. Once the child grows up he or she may not ealiaze the importance of family values,as he or she was not taught so, y his or her parents. The child would inculcate and practice and pass on to the next generation, what he or she has been taught in the past. The families of these couples also may be affected as they might blame themselves ,for the arranged marriage. Couples may take serious actions, if their problems are not solved. For Example, in some parts of the Asian countries , the husband s family if possesses a hatred for their daughter in law, may burn her alive; this however happens as money is involved; the family might gain by doing so. Whereas other steps taken to solve their miserable lives may be that they might either kill themselves or the other person. For example this happenend, in the middle east , that the wife was so frustrated with her life, as her husband treated her like dirt, cheated on her, ma\de her life hell, hit her, and did everything possible to miserify her life; she got so frustrated, annoyed ang agry and fed up that she jumped of the eighth floor of a building opposite to her house.
Some ways of solving or getting rid of theses arranged marriages may be that they although they are practiced in very few parts of the world today, wherever they are carried out, they should be abolished; the man and woman should have the right to choose a wife or husband for himself or herself, so even if he or she are not content with the marriage, they have no one to mblame but themselves. Families should play no role in setting marriages for their relatives or acquaintances, as they have no need doing so, as it is not their lives. In arranged mat\rriages, if either the husband is treated miserably or not respected or given equal rights, the spouse should have the right to sue his or her partner or file a case against him or her, or take the other person to court. If they see that they cannot deal with the marriage they should get a divorce, rather than try to work it out, and further miserify and mess up their lives, in order to do something which they know is not possible.
If the partner does not want a divorce than a separation is a must. In the first place arranged marriages should not be carried out, but if the parents force their children in doing so, the children should firstly try to explain to their elders how times have changed and how important it is to share a similar way of thinking or frame of mind, if a marriage is to work out. If the parents agree that is well and good, but if they do not the child should retaliate, as it is the he or she that is going to live the life and not his or her parents. In the end the parents would have to accept and be content with who ever their children get married to. It is them who will have to face through problems of maritial distress and other related problems, if they go on and listen to or let people decide for them.
A last solution wc
Hich should be considered as the last option may be that the couple try to work out their problems, understand each other thoroughly and live a peaceful life; or create a relationship using the secrets of personal type or by beating the odds and mastering the skills that can prevent maritial distress and divorce. These suggestions however have extremely rare chances of working out.
An arranged marriage is a power and control issue. It is taking away the rights of self- determination, and their freedom of choice to marry when they wish to and to whom they wish to.