Controlling Relationships Essay, Research Paper
Being engaged to a controlling person sometimes causes you to lose control in every aspect of your life. Passive people like myself usually find controlling partners. Controlling people like my ex-fianc usually find passive partners. We are “perfect” for each other. Being passive, I m quite happy to be left alone. I sometimes don t have much to say, and I have to admit I sometimes can seem to be deaf when you try to discuss problems with me. While on the other hand a controlling person makes constant demands on their partners. They have much to say, and they can act like they think they ve been elected to tell everyone else how to live their lives. They are seldom content, and they seem to resent anyone who is. Since both controlling people and passive people have poor relationships, they experience a whole lot of loneliness. After a long while, all of this loneliness adds up and makes them realize they can survive on their own! Then they can stop trying to change their partner and simply enjoy them as they are. Unfortunately, both people need to learn from their loneliness-so they can grow into people who want each other instead of people who think they need each other.
It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it is bad for you. A “bad” relationship is not the kind that is going through the usual periods of disagreement and disenchantment that are inevitable when two separate people come together. A bad relationship is one that involves continual frustration; the relationship seems to have potential but that potential is always just out of reach. In fact, the attachment in such relationships is to someone who is “unattainable” in the sense that he or she is committed to someone else, doesn t want a committed relationship, or is incapable of one. Bad relationships are chronically lacking in what one or both partners need. Such relationships can destroy self-esteem and prevent those involved from moving on in their careers or personal lives. They are often fertile breeding grounds for loneliness, rage, and despair. In bad relationships the two partners are often on such different wave-lengths that there is little common ground, little significant communication, and little enjoyment of each other.
Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but may even be physically harmful. An obvious harm is the physical abuse that is often a part of such relationships. In a less obvious way, however, the tensions and chemical changes caused by the constant stress can drain energy and lower resistance to physical illness. Continuing in such bad relationships can lead to unhealthily escapes such as alcohol or drug abuse and can even lead to suicide attempts.
In such relationships, individuals are robbed of several essential freedoms; the freedom to be the best of themselves in the relationship, the freedom to love the other person through choice rather than through dependency, and the freedom to leave a situation that is destructive.
Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational and practical people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is bad for them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. It is in this sense that the relationships are “addictive.”
There are several factors that can influence your decision to remain in a bad and controlling relationship. At the most superficial level are practical considerations such as financial entanglement, shared living quarters, potential impact on children, feared disapproval from others, and possible disruption in academic performance or career plans.
At a deeper level are the beliefs you hold about relationships in general, about this specific relationship, and about yourself. These beliefs may take the form of learned social messages such as “You are a failure if you end a relationship,” “Being alone is terrible,” “I ll never find anyone else,” “I m not attractive or interesting enough,” or “If I work hard enough I should be able to save this relationship.”
To end this never ending cycle of a controlling relationship make your recovery the first priority in your life. Become selfish by focusing on getting your own needs met more effectively. Learn to stop being managed or controlled by others; by being more focused on your own needs, you will no longer need to seek security by trying to make others change. Find a support group of friends who understand and will listen. Forget the broken engagement and share with others what you have experienced and learned, even if it is your Critical Thinking Essay Paper.