Violence Is The Answer (A Satire) Essay, Research Paper
Violence is the Answer
Note: This is a satire, please do not take it seriously.
All contractions are intentional and are included to set the tone of the essay.
As Bob Taylor drove through the ghetto on his regular route home, he looked to his left and saw two people with Japanese-looking symbols tattooed on their bodies beating the living daylight out of each other. Bob chuckled at the sight and continued driving home. When he got home, he turned on the TV and watched the news. Bob laughed hysterically when he heard the report on a lunatic spraying bullets at a school in Arkansas. Bob took out the videotape he got from Block Buster and shoved it into his VCR. Bob leaned back and smiled as he watched Tom Hanks pump lead into a German solider. Everyday people see violence, accept it, and laugh at it; violence is perfectly acceptable from guns, the media, and drunkards.
Guns are tools of mass destruction that every American should own. Guns can reduce the population of overcrowded areas, do away with unwanted trespassers, and provide solutions for arguments. Overcrowding has always been a problem; good thing some genius invented the gun! Guns are now the answer to overpopulation. Don t want to wait in a long line? Just plow right through everyone with your semi-automatic. That s exactly what the students in Littleton did. They said to themselves, This school is too crowded with jocks and other losers, let s kill them all. They did exactly that. Just look at the results; there are less jocks and geeks, and there is more meat for the cafeteria. Guns can also get rid of those suspicious trespassers. If you see a silhouette of the
mystery man just yell, Get off of my property! and fire away with your trusty 14mm shotgun. And don t worry about the police; they can t do anything about it. It is your property not theirs. Finally, guns are helpful in those pointless and annoying arguments. Are you tired of bickering and arguing about the stupidest things with your companions? Are your annoying friends babbling about senseless things that you have strong opposite feelings for? Just pull out your PP7 pistol and shoot them in the head. This is the quickest and most effective way to make anyone be quiet. Guns are very useful tools for solving everyday problems such as overcrowding, trespassers, and arguments; guns should be more accessible and less expensive.
Where would guns be without television? Television is the prime source for Americans to see and hear about violence. Things like violent TV shows, violence in the news, and violent movies are the best forms of entertainment. Shows like Southpark, Pro-wrestling, and Celebrity Deathmatch provide violence in a hysterical and clever way for Americans. With limbs flying, heads rolling, blood gushing, and Kenny dying, Southpark is the best source for comical animated violence. Almost every single episode the character named Kenny is brutally killed. With the twist of Kenny dying a different way each time, Southpark keeps getting funnier and funnier. Pro-wrestling is also a popular genre with plenty of live-action violence. Most people find it utterly hilarious to see two beefy men in spandex beat the smithereens out of each other. Pro-Wrestling has also defined a new type of violence, severe hand-to-hand combat. Watching someone fly through the air and landing on his opponent, then throwing him into the rubber ropes of the ring, and close-lining him as he helplessly passes by, that is pure entertainment. Next
to Pro-wrestling is Celebrity Deathmatch. Celebrity Deathmatch is a witty show where 2 or more clay-figurine celebrities battle to the death. Watching Hanson and The Spice Girls tear each other s limbs off and seeing clay blood and gore fly everywhere is one of the best sites anyone will ever see. The news is the fastest ways for Americans to learn what acts of violence have happened in the real world. With reports of shootings in Arkansas, riots in Seattle, and hate crimes in Texas, the news is also a prime entertainment source. It is the funniest thing in the world when 13 people die from a lunatic with an automatic or when the SWAT team is called in to stop a riot or when a man is dragged 10 miles behind a pickup truck. Finally, movies provide the ultimate source for entertaining violence. Movies like Saving Private Ryan, Fight Club, and The Bone Collector offer the best source for violence. Saving Private Ryan was a nice, gory film about World War II. The movie offered graphic violence in many different varieties such as, close-ups of bullets puncturing skin and bright red blood oozing from people. Fight Club is an entertaining movie where people fight other people for a job and their lives. This movie offered nice blood spills, hand-to-hand combat, and fast action. Finally, The Bone Collector wins the most violent award . In this movie a mass murderer is on the loose, and the only clues he leaves are the bones of his victims. Violence on TV, on the news, and in the movies is part of everyday life and, it should be encouraged and increased.
Also included on TV is violence from drunkards. This is a very hysterical form of violence. It is very amusing to see a man, who has been drinking too much, beat his children or his wife senseless. Domestic violence is very entertaining and solves a lot of
problems. First, it releases the built up emotions of drunkards. Second, it makes children and wives stronger because of the exercise they get from getting beaten. Finally, it could dispose of an annoying or unwanted family member. Domestic violence the best answer to household problems.
Violence is a part of everyday lives, but it should be encouraged more often. The legalization of loaded firearms, even more graphic TV shows and movies, and the removal of domestic violence laws would help American to be more aggressive offensively and defensively. Killing is natural. Why can t people just accept that? Violence should be more acceptable in tense, frightening, or uncomfortable situations.