It is normal to wonder why some unhappy couples stay married. Many times the answer is the children. Between divorce, separation, and parents fighting, children have a lot to handle because at times the consequences could be painful. The shattering displacement of divorce is as hard to survive for parents and for children it is the same. Thirteen year old, Gillian, is a
pre-teen looking back on her childhood and experiences with her parent’s divorce. Gillian was only four when her parents divorced (Krementz 105). Gillian, at age thirteen, now says that she can’t remember anything that happened to her during that year when her parents were divorced (105). She can recall times before and after, but when she thinks about that year, she goes blank (105). Gillian still wishes her parents would get back together (105). She says every time she made a wish on her birthday she made the same wish and it was that her parents would get back together (105). Gillian had an older sister who sometimes lead her to believe she was the cause of her parents divorce because every time they would fight, her sister would say that she was the reason their parents got divorced (106). Gillian keep a lot of emotions inside and just hung on to the notion that they would get back together again because when your young your wishes come true, right? (106). Her father was remarried when she was eleven, and a few years later, her
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mother gave birth to a new baby girl (107). Gillian dealt with difficult divorce full of fear and confusion. Maybe she’ll change her mind, but Gillian says that she will never get married when she grows up (108). Gillian never spoke of her feeling to anyone, they only way she liked to
express herself was through her poem (109). “I used to dream they’d marry again / They didn’t /I used to dream everything was all right / It wasn’t / I used to dream I was happy / I wasn’t” (109).
Children become confused when they begin to think about why their parents are divorced, that is why many times children tend to blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Divorce is clearly a situation between the father and mother of the child, and never is the child at fault (Tucker-Ladd 20). There are many reasons why women choose to divorce their spouse. The most common reason is the incompatibility and unhappiness (20). Then there also reasons such as: husband’s alcohol, physical and verbal abuse, husbands infidelity, disagreements about religion and children, their own alcohol abuse, their own fidelity, and their needs for independence (20-21). There are also many reasons why men decide to divorce their wives. Some reasons are: Drug abuse (wife’s or his) and mental illness, many differences (religion, communications, in-laws), his alcohol and physical abuse, wife’s independence and infidelity, incompatibility and unhappiness, wife’s alcohol abuse, and his infidelity (20-21). Many times people say they were unaware that their spouse filed for a divorce and many times it’s women who file the divorce (21). Generally, “emotional problems” are the most common reason for couples divorcing (21). Men say, three times more often then women, that “sexual problems” are a major reason for divorce (21). Women say, twice as often as men, “affairs” are the reasoning behind many divorces (22). Anthropologist, Helen Fischer, found that divorce most commonly occurs in many couples fourth year of marriage or between the ages of 25 and 29, worldwide (22-23). Helen claims that it could be our genetic inheritance that allows us change partners
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every four years or with each new child (23).
In some cases, divorce is best for a particular family, especially when any form of abuse is involved. It is estimated that as many as 25 percent of all women who file for divorce are victims of domestic violence (Berry 73). Ending an abusive marriage requires special handling for both the parents and the children (73). An abusive marriage would be referring to a marriage in which one person routinely abuses the other physically, emotionally, sexually or in a combination of ways (73). It is more common for violent marriages to be one-sided, based on one partner’s attempt to establish complete control over the other (73). Fighting, verbally, many times leads to physical brawls, but not always (73). In fact, it is not very common of frequently verbally fighting couples to become physical (73). If a verbal argument turns into a physical fight, many times they end quickly or improve rather than continuing on a violent path (73-74). The longer the marriage has lasted, the worse the problem will be (74). People who have suffered abuse over a period of years may have a severely distorted perspective of choices in reality (74). Children living in this kind of household will suffer immensely, even more so than the parent being abused. Children will see the abusing parent as a dangerous person and may begin to fear those parents. Children who live in a household where one parent is being abused by another develop a stronger fear of relationship for the future and may times these children who grow up in these situations never date or marry (74).
Abuse is usually more common for men to assault their wives (Brenner 36). When there is evidence of abuse or strong threat of it, a wife’s lawyer can ask for an order of protection (36). In situations such as this, many times the husband will not be aloud to visit their child until their probation is up (36). This keeps everyone, wife and children, safe from harm. Many times when a women divorces an abusive husband there is always a worry that the wife has about her safety and her children’s safety (37). In Most cases, the husband has controlled the family money
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throughout the marriage and he finds himself being divorced by his wife, his reaction may be to use that control as a weapon (37-38). Leaving the wife, innocent and deprived, as she struggles to support her children and herself (38). Wives have been abused, as well as many children who have suffered the growing number of cases involving charges or parental sexual abuse and physical abuse, many children have suffered (153). This kind of situation is difficult, even with the best psychiatric assistance (153). The parent is damaging the child in an unspeakable way, either by committing sexual abuse or by manipulating the child to falsely accuse the other parent (153). Situations such as these are out of control and these kinds of situations are what will effect children in the worst way, leading them down a bumpy road in the future. A child who grows up being abused or watching a parent abuse another can experience serious damage mentally. “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part” (qtd. Tucker-Ladd 35).
“It’s not over even when it’s over,” is an accurate way to describe a divorce (Berry 227). When parents divorce, ties will remain between them for the rest of their lives or at least until the children are grown and on their own (227). Even in divorce without children, in which all financial, legal, and other tangible matters are resolved, emotional as well as practical baggage may remain (227). It is best for both spouses to close all joint accounts and any other joint property (227). Most experts advise that it is best to wait until you are in a comfortable financial and emotional situation and settled into a new life, before making major life changes such as investments, moves, or purchases (228). There are many different ways to deal with what comes around the corner after divorce. Things such as dating, remarriage, building new families, and helping children cope mentally with the situation will all be issues in which families may be
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dealing with, but by maintaining a healthy diet and taking care of each other, mothers, fathers, and children can survive this struggle (228).
Most people who have been through one or more divorces learn and may bring new knowledge of themselves as individuals and the nature of their relationships to new involvement’s and levels (Berry 262). Mel Krantzler states, “We have learned from our past, not repeated it” (262). This last note is a reassuring message allowing children to know that it will not necessarily happen to them because it happened to their parents. There is hope for the future, as long as you look at it in a positive perspective.