Introspective Look Into Essay, Research Paper
Written on the wings of a long lost trip.. April 19, 1999 A gross and sickening introspective look into the mind of a truly demented person..
You better believe.. C’mon mothers, set your children free. Let them run with us, in the forests and the streams. Let them dwell amongst us, may we all get along? I remember what happened last time your children freed themselves, all hell broke loose. That won’t happen again though, we promise. Sign the permission slip and let them follow us.. it won’t cost much, but they might be gone for a while..
He decided that everything he believed in was in vain, he felt that all his bearings were off course.. he began to use drugs, at first it was cannabis, then he moved onto wild hallucinatory drugs. The kind that can really change a person.. change them in a good way, or a bad way.
We now realize that the girl is going to be leaving soon, she is not a girlfriend, she is a time bomb, a potential heart break, and the young man is an indecisive monster unwilling to forgive himself for the things he does, and the things he has seen.
The girl is incredible, she would never intentionally hurt him, but the boy-not a man, a mere boy-knows that she will leave in a matter of months.. it happened to him once before, with another girl, it was not her fault though. People have to leave, that is evolution.
He left too though, well, metaphysically… The neat thing about this drug, he finds, is that for three hours nothing really matters. Time crawls by at a slow, uneven pace, things about him are more interesting, and he does not worry about the girl, school, finding a job, living, dying, growing, changing, or the future. But future ties in with growing, and growing is a potentially troublesome aspect of life. Because when you grow-you change.
We have learned that as children, we are happy. But as we grow up we see the world in truth. Or truth in a disillusionment. Disillusionment.. now that brings up an important thought. Our young anti-hero once believed that he had direction. His own parents were proud of him because they knew he would be something someday. Were they wrong?
No they were not wrong, only disillusioned.
Back to change.. Some people change for the better, but you and I both know that change is almost always a bad thing. The boy wishes he was back in second grade-the drug allows him to go back, and be at peace. Peace, that is how he feels. Hmm..
On the drug he realizes that people see him differently.. some see him as comical, while others disagree with him. Disagree in a mental way, such as when you see something you hate, and you turn your head. At times he wishes that everyone was on the drug, for they too would understand how he feels. But this is impossible, too many people are against him/it.
You are against change, aren’t you? We can tell. I can smell it on your breath, every time you exhale I can smell it.
The girl is gone-for the boy. He left her last week sometime, why did he leave her.. Well he hasn’t physically left her.. nor has he said anything to her. She probably wouldn’t mind though, let’s face it.. he isn’t perfect. Look at him, he doesn’t wear socks, his pants are baggy, he needs a haircut, his shirt is crooked, and he doesn’t even tuck it in. Loser. Did they tell you that he uses drugs? I know, it is sickening. So there is this poor girl, and this monstrous guy, it is impossible that they should come together! Think what would happen! That bastard would probably corrupt her, and she would begin the drug use. What a horrible thought, such an innocent sweet girl.. and that loser.
It almost makes a person want to cry. He left her because he is self-loathing, self-destructive, and afraid of receiving a broken heart. Most people would not admit these horrendous character traits, but he admits them, and is well aware of them. He still thinks about the girl, in fact, he thinks about her a lot. He forces himself to block her from his mind, he really is afraid of being let down.
He is so afraid of being broken that he avoids love all together. A while ago, he would risk it all for a girl. Once he threw down everything, and pursued her.. he then realized she was more monstrous then he, and he let her be.
The boy possesses a strange discipline, almost at the flip of a switch he can stop wanting a girl. Well, at least he thinks this is true, but you know it is false. He is under the false pretension that he is stronger then a girl’s attraction, he is not. He is inherently weak, and he hides behind the drug, his lies, his perverted sense of humor, and his supposed apathy towards most things human.
This apathy is an obvious lie, if he didn’t care about life, why would he write this? He is just as disillusioned as ever, nothing has helped him.. most things just make him worse. He sees spots on occasion, little grim fantasies, and sensuous females.
One female in particular lights his fire.. once, he desired her as well. He still desires her, but in a different way. She wears glasses, has big teeth, and short hair.. she looks goofy to the untrained eye, but to the boy’s eye she is magnificent.
He often dreams of holding her hand, caressing her thigh, and other acts of sin. Doing bad things with her would make him temporarily happy. Recently, she wore short shorts which maximized her thighs, they are a pale color-an off-white, and not at all tan, she truly is different. But he wants her all the same. He once was going to ask her out, but he deemed it inappropriate.. she is much to good for him. She is an intellectual, while he would be trying to make her, she would want to discuss politics, or debate the theme of a novel. No, she would not work for him. They would be a mis-matched couple, not at all lovers, and more or less a disgrace to each other. It would be a horrendous love affair, ending in a discussion of abortion and socialism. God save the queen.
There are times when his mind drifts back to her.. he still wants her, maybe he will make his love known. But more then likely he will hide form a potential love, and wait until the last moment.. Uhh.. yeah, you know, I wish I would have had the guts to ask you out earlier this year. But alas, the poor bastard truly is a fool, a weak, uncomfortable fool.
The people don’t necessarily see him as a bad person, but those who know him-know he is off. Not off in an out sense, but off in a way that he isn’t quite right. Maybe something went wrong with him, perhaps he believed in the good of people and got burned.
Reality is a demon which plagues all humans. The drug allows him to escape, temporarily, when he returns his still feels at peace. Not as peaceful as he was on the drug, but more or less happy. Tranquillity is priceless to me.
At times he wishes that he would be demolished by a train, and not have to worry about anything ever again. Why do people seem so affectionate at times, and then unfriendly and cruel at others. Oh no, they do not mean to be mean, they are ‘busy’ or some other lame excuse. He feels stone cold, and lonely.
What ever happened to him will happen again, it will happen to our neighbors, and to our politicians, he is not the last one to become a hapless wanderer, nor the first..
Please Lord give us a hand, there has got to be some changes, a whole lot of rearranges, I just hope love is the answer.. everybody.. grab somebody.. everybody.. love somebody..
[This is a creative story, and thus does not have a bibliography.]