Essay, Research Paper
The Only Fish I Wanted To Catch
A sensation of astounding warmth enshrouded my mind and body as I blankly stared out on to the choppy lake. I realized that the blinding sun was sure to burn me by the end of the day. I was completely clueless as to where the day would take me. At first I was a little apprehensive about climbing into the small rowboat and heading out there for the entire day. What if I didn?t make it back? I had never been fishing alone. All I craved was to catch the perfect fish. It didn?t have to be big or fat, just perfect for me. So I mustered up the courage and took a chance. The last time I had taken a chance I had paid for it dearly.
Sarina was the perfect girl, and I was determined to let her know how I felt about her. She didn?t make me happy. Happiness was not exactly the emotion she brought out in me. Her presence brought out something within me that was much deeper and more sincere. She was the foundation of my utopia. She had a special quality about her. Most people I know walk around with their souls being held prisoner by their bodies. She was one of those unique people whose body was held captive by her soul. Thirty seconds out of every minute I thought about her. I always made sure she had everything. It took me six months before I could even tell her how I felt. When I finally told her how I felt she took the news really well, but I knew she wasn?t interested. After telling me that our friendship was too close for us to get involved romantically, I swept up the pieces of my shattered heart, put them in my pocket and walked away. I had her snagged on my hook but she threw it. I used kindness, and patience, and she used me. I gave her everything she asked of me. She took the bait and ran. She avoided me at all costs for the next two months.
Suddenly, I was at the mercy of the wide-open water of my misery, and was fearful of drowning. Had I been coerced into believing we were best friends? We squandered for hours and hours resolving each other?s personal dilemmas. We called each other religiously on the phone when we were apart. Then suddenly it stopped. Now everything I cherished was thrown overboard. I was in love; and it hurt. Nobody had ever taught me that love could be this painful.
Eventually she called me, and apologized for blatantly ignoring me. She used fear as an excuse. She was frightened of her own emotions. While she had been wrestling with this fear, I had found another girl, Nita. She wasn?t the consummate companion, but she had her own way of intriguing me. Nita was a fascinating woman, yet she didn?t have that same mesmerizing quality. All the time I was with Nita I completely suppressed my compassion for Sarina. I knew Nita couldn?t keep me happy, so I did what I thought was best and let her go. Sarina and I worked out our differences, and began enjoying each other?s cortege once again. There was a certain ambience she emitted which made me so comfortable. We were closer after the hiatus in our relationship. Once again I began to cater to her every desire. My fantasies grew more intense with every minute I spent with her, yet I never made any flirtatious actions. I always maintained my composure, and treated her as my best friend. Eventually I had to bring up my love for her once again. I was too much in love to circumvent my feelings any longer. One night over the phone I told her how I felt, and she told me that she didn?t believe me. She refused to comprehend the fact that I could still have feelings for her after two years.
She promised to me a dinner where we could talk about everything to avoid a repeat disaster. The night before the dinner, she called me and cancelled. She asked me to tell her how I felt over the phone. She belittled two years of love and infatuation into a five-minute phone conversation. I ended the conversation with, ?I?m sorry you feel that way. All I have to say is that you are an ungrateful bitch!? The only thing that went through my mind was that she wasn?t worth the trouble. I tried and failed. My conscience was clear and it was time for me to move on.
I realized that I wasn?t in love. One can?t be in love unless someone returns the same fervor. The adoration has to be exchanged both ways; in other words, solitary reverence translates into a simple fancy. I had taken the chance to take the friendship one step further, not knowing how it would turn out. The serene feeling turned into annoyance and frustration.
I chased the majestic fish all day only to snare the wrong one. The catch of the day suckered me twice for bait. Eventually the fetish for the fish was deemed useless. It was too cunning of a creature to be lured by my old fashioned tactics. It got what it needed from me and lost interest. I put my pole away, and rowed back to shore.