Interpretation
The phrases that men and women use are often interpreted differently depending on which gender is speaking. An example of this would be with bragging. Girls are taught not to boast or brag because this displays that they are better than their peers are. Boys learn that by achieving a high status that they can obtain what they want. Another study done by Patricia Hayes Bradley brought forth similar results. It deals with “tag questions” which are statements with little questions added onto the end. The results showed that when women used tag questions they were seen as less intelligent than men that used them. When women did not give support for their arguments, they were also seen as less knowledgeable. But when men advanced arguments without giving support, they were not, “Tannen, 228). In mediation, many open-ended questions are used. These are similar to what are known as tag questions. In pertaining to this topic, mediation would better serve women because there would be less room for judgement of language by other people. In front of a judge or a jury, language can be a setback for women. In front of your partner, or mediator it can only help equalize discussions. That is not saying that under these circumstances, men can not benefit as well. For men in mediation, women will be less apt to feel dominated and interpret discussions differently to help expedite the process.
Asymmetry
Each topic considered above brings us to the bottom line that men and women live asymmetrical lives. The challenge is how to travel past it. Gender inequalities begin in the home, at an early age. As time goes on, the alignment of men and women are “epitomized by the positions that they take,” (Tannen, 284). Even in the most intimate moments she explains, when lying down to sleep, a man usually lays on his back, a woman on her side, with his arm around her. Everything in our society can be directly reflected to gender, especially communication. Alternative Dispute Resolution is a way in which parties can resolve their problems in a more agreeable manner. Divorce mediation can help save a lot of time, money, grief, and what remains of a relationship.
III. Divorce
Divorce is an unpleasant thought and a very painful process. It does not have to be as bad as we make it though. Edelman, author of The Tao of Negotiation, says, “when we hear the word ‘divorce’ we think of some conflict of some sort. But divorce is not a conflict. Divorce is simply a desire on the part of wither one or both partners in a marriage to restructure the relationship,” (Edelman, 209). Further he explains that divorce is a result of conflict or may lead to conflict.
There are four stages of divorce. The first is denial. Denial is a form of awareness but it is a form of disbelief. Following denial is anger. Anger needs to surface before you can go any further. Third is bargaining which serves as a last attempt to save a marriage. Finally there is acceptance. Edelman then poses the question “Are you ready to listen to each other, (Edelman, 215)? By listening, Edelman means being present to and for the other person. When you are present you need to be empathetic. All prejudices need to be forgotten. If not, either side may not be understood.
With all the problems with divorce, at least there is one thing that is helpful. That is divorce mediation. The question is whether or not it works. The answer is yes. The main advantage is that the parties stay in control of their own divorce, which can make all the difference with resolving a divorce and moving on. With mediation, there will be a lot less conflict than experiencing adversarial divorce. Both parties can work together to achieve the most desirable results. A mediator remains neutral at all times. Mediation produces agreement in 50 to 80 percent of cases. Costs are lower, the amount of time disputing is less, and the procedure is completely voluntary. Agreements become more comprehensive in which help lead up to a higher compliance rate than in adjudication. Divorce mediation helps parties to communicate in the best way possible to reach a resolution that is a win-win one on both ends.
V.Conclusion
Alternative Dispute Resolution is a more feminine approach to negotiation. On one end, the feminine side there is the collaborator/mediator. The female side encompasses qualities such as intimacy, relationships, as well as a symmetrical and circular structure. The male paradigm seeks justice. The male side is hierarchical, independent and linear. The masculine side is the adjudicator, opposite of the female collaborator, (Professor Umana, Lecture June 5, 2000). According to a study done by Belenky, Men base their moral decisions on notions of fairness and justice, women on fairness and care. Men say “What is right, is right.” What is fair to men is identical in all cases,” (Belenky,85) Feminine notions look for to avoid hurting others, and a response to the needs of others. “Men use communication to ‘focus on the jockeying for status’ in conversation. They attempt to figure out if someone is trying to one up on him,” (Tannen,85. Women are more “attuned” to the negotiations of connections. By looking at the studies of John Gray, we can look at the two genders in our society like two different planets. By separating the two to such extremes we can justify the complications that men and women encounter in order to explain how men and women are so different. Stemming from the notion that men and women have such different qualities we learn that their conversation styles are just as complicated. Deborah Tannen helps illustrate these patterns and how to avoid unnecessary arguments as well as amend one’s already in progress. Finally, by examining authors such as Fisher and Ury and examining case studies, we can learn the importance of negotiation in resolving conflicts and how gender plays such an important role due to the fact that negotiations are based solely on the need for good communication. With good communication along with empathy, and a little luck the connections we make and the negotiations we encounter will be successful ones.
Author Unknown. “The Economic and Societal Context” (article from Professor Umana in section)
Birkoff, Juliana. “Gender, Conflict, and Conflict Resolution,” 5-28-2000,
*http://conflict-resolution.net/articles/birkoff.cfmplain=t*
Edelman. “Divorce: From Pain to Peace” Reader
Gray, John, Ph.D. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Harper Collins: New York, 1992.
Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand. Balentine Books: New York, 1991.
Ury, William. Getting to Yes. Penguin Books: New York, 1991.
Bibliography
Birkoff, Juliana. “Gender, Conflict, and Conflict Resolution,” 5-28-2000,
Edelman. “Divorce: From Pain to Peace” Reader
Gray, John, Ph.D. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Harper Collins: New York, 1992.
Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand. Balentine Books: New York, 1991.
Ury, William. Getting to Yes. Penguin Books: New York, 1991.