Tribute To Matt Stone Essay, Research Paper
Episode 201 – Not Without My Anus
Icons provided by Christopher Pirillo at Just South of South Park
AdvertFXApplet provided by Secret Sid
South Park Announcer:Since the last South Park you’ve waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman’s lineage will not be seen tonight so we can bring you the following special presentation.
HBC Announcer:Now, get ready for Canada’s hottest action stars. Terrance and Phillip in the HBC Movie of the Week, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
[Canadian Courthouse - 10:18 A.M.]
Scott:Ladies and gentlemen, before you today sits a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O’Dwyer, and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer. That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance.
Phillip:Uh, Terrance, you farted in court.
Terrance:Yes Phillip, I’m making a case for our defense.
Scott:All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt
Terrance looks about confused.
Scott:A watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O’Dwyer." "Dr. O’Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in, with my new hammer." Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you’re not God. Je accuse Terrance.
Terrance:Would you like a monkey claw Phillip?
Terrance:That’s called the monkey claw cause it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.
Phillip:The monkey claw is smelly.
The Judge hammers her gavel.
Judge:Come on, get a move-on, I ain’t getting a younger up here.
Phillip:My sentiments exactly Your Honor. I see from your accent that you’re Southern Canadian.
Judge:That is correct.
Phillip:Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is an innocent man.
Terrance:Oh ho, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument.
Phillip:I have, haven’t I Terrance.
Scott:Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court. They think farts are funny, but they’re not.
Phillip:Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?
Phillip shows the jury of Terrance with a llama.
Phillip:Of course not. So, in summation, find Terrance innocent, or else he’ll kill you.
Phillip:Just kidding. The defense rests.
Terrance pounds his fist on the table as he laughs uncontrollably.
Scott:God damnit, that isn’t funny.
The judge hammers her gavel.
Judge:Madam Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell out of here?
Foreperson:We have Your Honor; we have found Terrance, in the above-entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O’Dwyer…
Judge:You’re going to have to repeat that verdict since we had some flatulence issues.
Foreperson:I said, we find…
Foreperson:We find Terrance…
Phillip:Did you hear that Terrance? You’re not guilty!
Terrance:Oh Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber!
[Outside the Courthouse]
Terrance:That sure was fun. Let’s go home and eat Kroff Dinner.
Scott:Well, looks like you got away with it Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip:Oh, hello Scott. No hard feelings, right old pal?
Scott:There are hard feelings, this isn’t over. I’m going to see to it that you both pay for what you’ve done. And do you know why?
Phillip:’Cause you’re a dick?
Scott:No, because I hate you. You think farting is soo funny, well it isn’t! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I…
Scott:Oh, I hate you both. I’ve hated you ever since I can remember. I hate you and I wish you both had cancer.
Scott:Yes, in the head.
Scott:This is not the end Terrance and Phillip. You’ll rue this day.
Terrance:Wow, Scott really hates us Phillip.
Phillip:Yes, perhaps he’s homophobic.
Terrance:But we’re not gay, Phillip.
Terrance:Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kroff Dinner.
Phillip:Yes, it’s been a long day, and only Kroff Dinner can calm my nerves.
[Onboard the Subway]
Terrance:Say Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder. He does it every week.
Phillip:He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he’ll try next.
Terrance:God only knows.
Phillip:The subway certainly is wonderful Terrance.
Terrance:It sure is. Let’s look for treasure.
Phillip:Yes, let’s look for treasure.
Terrance and Phillip begin looking about the subway car for ‘treasure.’
[Scott's House - 11:57 A.M.]
Saddam:Hello, is this Scott from Canada?
Scott:Yes, yes it is.
Saddam:You’re a journalist, right?
Scott:Yes, I’m a television critic for magazines.
Saddam:I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scott:Yes, yes I do. They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they’re not.
Saddam:Well, what if I were to help you get rid of them once and for all.
Scott:Who is this?
Saddam:Let’s just say that I’m someone who can help you if you help me.
The face of Saddam is finally revealed.
Saddam:Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
Scott:Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator?!?
Saddam:Hey, relax guy. I’m just your average Joe. Take a rest.
Scott:What do you want?
Saddam:You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada; I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn’t it? Super, let’s get started.
Scott:I’m not sure I should trust you.
Saddam:Hey, relax guy, trust me.
[Outside Terrance and Phillips House]
Terrance:Well, it’s too bad we didn’t find any treasure on the subway Phillip.
Ugly Bob approaches.
Phillip:Oh, hello Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:Hello Terrance, hello Phillip.
Terrance:My God, you’re looking hideously ugly today Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:How come you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance:Because you’re God Damned ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:I know, but…
Phillip:Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out forest fire with a screwdriver.
Ugly Bob:I can’t help how I look. Besides, it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, it’s what’s on the inside.
Terrance:No it isn’t.
Terrance:Want to see what’s on the inside of me?
Phillip:Wait, wait. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you put this paper bag over your head Ugly Bob?
Terrance:Yes, if people can’t see your face, they won’t know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Ugly Bob:Really? Hey, thanks you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Terrance:Sure you can Ugly Bob. If they can’t see how horribly disfigured you are, they’ll want to sleep with you.
Ugly Bob:Thanks you guys.
[Terrance and Phillips House - 12:20 P.M.]
Phillip:Hello Barky, hello Purry.
Phillip:Say, Terrance, I was just aboot to make some Kroff Dinner. Would you like some?
Terrance:You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner Phillip.
Terrance:I’m going to put on a pirate costume.
Phillip answers the door.
Delivery Man:Special delivery for Terrance.
Phillip:I’ll take that.
Delivery Man:Sign here and here and here and here and here.
Phillip signs for the letter.
Delivery Man:And here.
Phillip:Oh Terrance, you got a letter.
Terrance:Shiver me timbers Phillip, at this rate I’ll never get to my Kroff Dinner.
Terrance reads the letter.
Terrance:Oh my God!!!
Phillip:What is it Terrance? Did you fart?
Terrance:No, it’s Sally, she’s being held captive in Iran.
Phillip:Not Sally, dear God no Terrance, why Sally, God why? Say Terrance, who’s Sally?
Phillip:I never knew you had a daughter Terrance.
Terrance:Oh yes, didn’t I mention that me heartys?
Phillip:No, you never did Terrance.
Terrance:Oh, well, it all began fifteen years ago.
[Terrance & Phillips House - 44 Hours Later....]
Phillip:My God, what a fascinating story Terrance, especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
Terrance:Yes, indeed. But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran, and I will have to go and find her.
Phillip:Then I will go with you Terrance.
Terrance:You are such a good friend Phillip.
Phillip:Well, you know what they say; "A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner."
Terrance:Advance there maties.
[Celine Dion's House - 1:15 P.M.]
Terrance:Hello Celine Dion.
Celine Dion:Terrance, this is quite a surprise.
Terrance:You’re looking well.
Celine Dion:And you.
Terrance:Celine, where is our daughter Sally?
Celine Dion:She’s in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?
Terrance:Wrong, she’s been taken hostage and is now being held prisoner.
Terrance:Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.
Celine Dion:Oh Terrance, what happened to us?
Terrance:We just grew apart Celine Dion.
Celine Dion:Please, bring our daughter home safe Terrance.
[Canadian Airport - 11:05 A.M.]
Phillip:Hello Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob:Hi guys.
Terrance:How’s the paper bag working out?
Ugly Bob:People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.
Terrance:Terrific. We need two tickets for Tehran please.
Ugly Bob:Iran is dangerous; you guys shouldn’t go there.
Phillip:Damnit man. Danger or no, I’m going to help my friend find his daughter.
Terrance laughs quietly.
Ugly Bob:All right then, there’s a flight leaving today.
Phillip:Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Phillip:Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kroff Dinner.
Terrance:Same here Phillip.
Phillip:O Canada! Our home and native land!
Terrance and Phillip:True patriot love in all thy sons command.
Airport:With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free!
Scott peeks out with a walkie-talkie in hand.
Scott:[Simultaneously]Scott to Red Dragon, come in Red Dragon.
Saddam:Go-ahead guy, this is Red Dragon.
Scott:The plan is working perfectly; Terrance and Phillip are taking the bait.
Saddam:Excellent, my buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?
Airport:O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
Scott:Yes, everything’s proceeding according to plan. Now, you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they’ll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Saddam:Hey, relax guy, I’m gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Scott:Roger Red Dragon, Scott out. I’ve got you now you fart loving fart lovers.
Airport:O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
A map shows the flight to Iran
[Over the Carribean]
Terrance:I got you.
Terrance:Sprayed your face.
[Over the Suez Canal]
Terrance:Ahh that splattered!
[Tehran - 2:30 P.M.]
Terrance:Oh Phillip, how will I ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don’t speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers and we have no idea where to being.
Phillip:Oh look, there she is.
Terrance:I’m here Sally; it’s your father, Terrance. I’m here to save you from your smelly Iranian captors.
Phillip:Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you Terrance.
Phillip:Oh, now I see the resemblance.
Terrance:Well, enough of Iran, let’s get home.
[Aboard the plane,Flying Home]
[Canadian Airport - 3:45 P.M.]
Terrance:Well, now that I’ve got my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion’s house and asking her to marry me again.
Phillip:Oh, raspberries, looks like I’m losing a friend.
Terrance:No, you’re gaining a pop vocalist.
Phillip:Oh my God! What is this?!?
Large paintings of Saddam Hussein hang from the buildings.
Phillip:Is this Canada?
Terrance:It seems to have changed.
Phillip:This is madness!
[Outside the Airport]
Terrance:What’s going on Phillip? How could Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?
Phillip:I don’t know Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?
Terrance:I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
[Celine Dion's House - 4:02 P.M.]
Terrance:Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that…
Celine Dion:Terrance, uh, could you come back a little later?
Celine Dion:Uh, I’m just a little busy right now.
Terrance:You’ve got a man over, don’t you Celine Dion?
Celine Dion:Well, I…
Ugly Bob:Hi guys.
Phillip:Oh my God, it’s Ugly Bob!
Terrance:What the hell are you doing here?
Ugly Bob:I’m doing Celine Dion, what’s it look like?
Terrance:Oh Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you’ve slept with Ugly Bob.
Celine Dion:What do you mean? Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
Phillip:Because that’s his name you stupid bitch.
Celine Dion:You told me your name was Handsome Bob.
Terrance:Look at him Celine Dion.
Terrance removes the bag from Bob’s head.
Phillip:Behold, his horrible face.
Celine Dion:Oh my God, he’s heinously ugly, and I am pregnant with his child!
Celine Dion:I’m going to have a freak-baby!
Phillip:Oh, the humanity!
[Saddam Hussein's Candian H.Q. - 4:03 P.M.]
Scott:He Saddam, you helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that. But why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?
Saddam:Huh, oh that? Don’t worry guy, you just need a rest.
Scott:No, I don’t need a rest! I want to know what this is all aboot.
Saddam:Hey, relax fella, I’m just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, then I’m gonna head back to Iran.
Scott:I thought you were from Iraq.
Saddam:Iran, Iraq, what the hell’s the difference? Relax guy.
[Downtown Canada - 4:04 P.M.]
Iraqi Soldiers are marching through the streets.
Terrance:Phillip, I’m convinced that something very, very not good is happening to Canada.
Phillip:Yes, I agree whole-fartedly.
Scott:Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Terrance:Oh, hello Scott.
Scott:You’re not supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped…. Uh, I mean, how are you guys today?
Phillip:Wait, what were you saying?
Terrance:Hey Scott, guess what?
Scott:Uh, I hate you more than ever Terrance and Phillip. I absolutely abhor you both.
Scott is motioning peculiarly at Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip:What are you doing Scott?
Scott:I’m wishing cancer upon you.
Scott:That’s right, I’m trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance:Ah, stop that.
Terrance hides behind Phillip.
Phillip:Hey, don’t give me cancer.
[Saddam Hussein's Candian H.Q. - 4:05 P.M.]
U.S. Soldier:Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.
Saddam:Worried, aboot what? Take a load off, relax.
U.S. Soldier:You seem to be taking over Canada.
Saddam:Taking over Canada? Me? Hey, you need a rest fella. I’m not hiding any bombs.
U.S. Soldier:We didn’t say anything about bombs.
Saddam:Oh. You didn’t? Hey, relax.