God allows us to make choices. He also gives the consequences of our choices. God desires truth in our “inner parts” (Ps. 51:6). He does not want us to be passive in our relationship with Him. Boundaries are inherent in any relationship God has created, for they define the two parties who are loving each other. Boundaries help us to be the best we can be – in God’s image. They let us see God as He really is.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
When we try to establish boundaries, we will be met with resistance by others and sometimes our own selves. Setting boundaries may not come easy. Establishing boundaries and sticking to them will be hard for some of us. We will meet with others’ angry reactions. Others will try to make us feel guilty for standing up for ourselves. Some will try to manipulate us back into our old ways of boundarylessness. We do not have to explain nor justify setting boundaries. Sometimes when we set boundaries, we are met with physical resistance. Abusive spouses will not take, “No,” for an answer. Boundaries can be set and maintained. Some people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. We must forgive others to be free, but we do not always achieve reconciliation.
A Day In A Life With Boundaries
The book ends with a day in the life of the woman from the first chapter. The woman named Sherrie whose boundaryless life was like my own in so many ways. Since learning how to set boundaries, Sherrie has begun putting her kids to bed earlier because of setting better time limits with them. When Sherrie’s mother makes surprise visits, Sherrie is honest with her mother by telling her that it is a bad time to visit. After confronting her single friend about the imbalances in their relationship, her friend does not call as often. When her coworker comes in to chat about work, Sherrie takes control and tells him she does not have time to chat or do favors for him, and asks him to leave her a note. Sherrie backed off from so many church committees and is now able to choose the ones in which she wants to become involved. Sherrie has confronted her husband’s emotional distance and told him what she would do if it continued. He threatened, sulked, and became withdrawn. She stuck to her guns, and eventually he began to change. They went through a lot, but became more of a team, with mutual love and responsibility.
When we start to develop healthy boundaries, we will experience feelings of resentment, frustration, or even anger when others violate our boundaries. People who do not get angry when they are being violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap (p. 271). This inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. When we acknowledge the truth, we give ourselves permission to be angry. When we become “boundary-setters,” we find ourselves drawn to others who set clear boundaries for themselves. Taking responsibility for ourselves and establishing clear BOUNDARIES is healthy. Knowing “When to Say YES, When to Say NO, allows us To Take Control Of Our Lives.