p. 9)
Once the child grasps that the mother is an independent person and that it can maintain the constancy of its mother, then is when A. Freud (1960) and E. Fuhrman believe the child can acknowledge the loss of its mother.
When the child can grasp that loss, there are many phenomenon which occur, Dr. Alan Wohlfelt has designated thirteen dimensions into a "manageable framework," displaying the symptoms most commonly shown by children. (1983, p 31) When a child experiences a loss, the change "can and often does produce major emotional, physical, and behavioral changes." (p. 32)
One of the initial responses is an impression of shock, which can be denial, disbelief, and numbness, which usually lasts the duration of six to eight weeks following the death. These symptoms may reappear upon any significant event relating to that death, such as an anniversary, holidays, birthdays, or any other milestone. Wohlfelt has noted that "when reality seeps through, in this sense of disbelief, children may well do some ‘catch-up grieving’ as thoughts and feelings surface that previously have been blocked from full consciousness." (p. 32)
One of the most troublesome dimensions is the child’s lack of feelings or displays of emotions. This is closely alike to the sense of denial, the child’s attempt to insulate themselves in the only means they know how. On the other end of the spectrum, the child who does not display their emotions is believed, in some cultures, to be "taking things well." This often leaves the child stuck between the questions posed by the adults who can fathom the loss and what the child is in fact feeling.
The physiological changes occur following word of the death, and are exemplified by Wohlfelt’s examples:
otiredness, lack of energy;
odifficulty in sleeping of on other occasions prolonged sleeping;
olack of appetite or excessive appetite;
otightness in throat;
oshortness of breath;
ogeneral nervousness, trembling;
oheadaches;
ostomach pains;
oloss of muscular strength; and
oskin rashes
(Figure 3.2, p. 34) Children also manifest "sick roles" by identifying with the physical symptoms that the loved one died of. This occurs when the child does not receive "consent" to have another, healthier outlet for the expression of their feelings.
Children also frequently incline to return to "the sense of protection and security they have experienced at earlier points in their life. In responding to the sense of loss experienced, normally children will want to return to an earlier developmental level. Unfortunately, our society often perceives regressive behaviors as a total lack of self-control and discourages or punishes both adults and children for displaying this type of behavior." (p. 35) If this child is encouraged to grieve in a healthy and appropriate way, the conduct is typically temporary.
The oxymoron of regressive behaviors is what Wohlfelt designates as the "Big Man" or "Big Woman" syndrome. This is illustrated by the child’s endeavor to develop
into the missing parent-figure. The child could be attempting to keep the parent alive or to maintain hope that was existent at some point during grief.
A sudden, unpredictable feature is the "heightened sense of disorganization and panic." (p. 39) Feelings and ideas will seem overwhelming, and the length and continuation of their emotions becomes overpowering. During this phase the child is going to experience many of the same traits that are common during physiological changes, along with susceptibility to showing responses to their strong emotions.
Explosive emotions are also common during this stage and are also very upsetting to the parents because the parents are uncertain on how to handle and respond to the child’s expressions. Explosive emotions may be manifested in several different ways among bereaved children. The child may be angry at the person who died because as the child views the situation: "If Mom had loved me enough, she wouldn’t have died and left me." Then the child may reason: "If Mom doesn’t love me, no one can love me. There must be something about me that makes me unlovable." Or the child may feel that if the person took better care of self the death could have been prevented. Anger and rage may be directed toward anyone: physician, pastor, friends, God and of the world in general. Children may ask themselves if they should ever love anyone again, thinking that another person they love might also "die" (1983, p. 40) As previously mentioned, when the child is coerced to repress their feelings instead of letting them be vented, the adults who repress those feelings are denying the child the means of psychological survival.
Another seemingly inappropriate behavior is expressed by acting out, which is dependent upon the child’s age and developmental stage. "The child may become unusually loud and noisy, have temper outburst, start fights with other children, defy any authority, or simply rebel against everything. Often the child’s grades drop at school, he/she may begin to associate with a different group of friends, and older children may run away from home." They begin to accept anti-social behaviors to keep themselves emotionally distanced from any possibilities of being loved and "abandoned" as their parent had.
When the child realizes that the parent will not return, they become very apprehensive about their surviving parent, whether that parent will "abandon" them also. They begin to become concerned when they see the remaining parent grieving, because their need to feel loved is crucial during this dimension. Their health is also important since they believe any sickness will lead to their own death.
It is seemingly our human tendency to take blame for the death of a loved on and is present even from an early age. Since children have difficulties understanding cause-effect relationships, they believe that their thoughts and actions caused their parents to die. Sometimes this is so since the children may wish for different parents or that an action or bad behaviors made their parents "go away." They conceive self-defeating thoughts and heighten their guilt. They dispose to show good behaviors since they believe that an action they did made their parent "go away," something they can do will "bring them back."
Another concept children struggle with is that of relief, which is very existent after a long struggle before death; the child has "gotten over" much of the grief work and has begun to accept the changes and adapted to them, confusing them that they have completely "let go" of their parent. If a family is not supportive of this and does not anticipate this struggle, the child’s self-esteem is violated in spite of the relief they should feel.
The most difficult of all these dimensions is that of loss, emptiness, and sadness. Even though all these do not take place at once, the latter sets in after the loss has been reckoned and the emptiness has set in. When they accept the reality of death and its finality, they children show such signs as:
oa lack of interest in self and others,
ochange in appetite and sleeping patterns,
oprolonged withdrawal,
onervousness,
oinability to experience pleasure, and
olow self-esteem
(p. 46) "The frequent result is increased anxiety, agitation, and a sense of being emotionally and physically drained" because these signs will exhaust them, leaving them very vulnerable. (p. 47)
One of the last dimensions Wohlfelt mentioned is reconciliation, or that the grief and bereavement have been resolved or recovered from. Even though they seem to "return to ‘normalcy’… everyone–adults and children alike–is changed by grief." (p. 48) The person will recognize that there has been a loss and has created a new life without their parent. But Wohlfelt cautions that "the bereaved child’s reconciliation after a death is a process, not an event." (p. 47)
When expecting a child to demonstrate certain characteristics, it is not uncommon for the parent to be confused since both are on different levels of recognizing the loss and dealing with it. Attempting to understand and sympathize with the child and to help them effectively deal with their emotions and confusion is very helpful, not only for the child but for the parent.
Everyone, at some point in their life, is going to experience a death or have someone close to them experience a death, the key is communication–opening up and being perceptive to the needs of the bereaved. Sometimes the survivors will exemplify attitudes and actions which show independence and strength yet have needs that need to be met.
The everyday changes everyone experiences are and can be very burdensome, but for children, with the uncertainty of their worlds and the people that fill them, it may seem almost impossible to deal with. The significance is in helping the children to deal with their loss at a developmentally appropriate level and to help them "get through" their feelings and to rebuild their lives with the environment in which they’ve been left.