This may not be true in a lesbian relationship, and in fact it is unlikely to be true. Being a lesbian is not widely accepted in society, and being in a lesbian relationship even less so. We have a somewhat distorted view here in Seattle, where the gay/lesbian vote can change the outcome of elections if these voters are not treated with respect.
This is seldom true in the rest of the U.S. and even here lesbian relationships are not widely given the societal status routinely experienced by a hetero couple. Since they cannot become legally married, issues of property rights, parental rights, and others are very clouded. Both individuals can use the threat of exposure to control the other, or if one lesbian is “out” and the other not, this can easily be used as a weapon of control.
Besides the external homophobia in society, which few heterosexuals have any real understanding of, there is the issue of internalized homophobia. After all, lesbians grew up in this society which does not take women seriously, and particularly women who step outside the accepted roles of good little wife and mother. So internalized homophobia, being ashamed of one’s sexuality and identity, wondering if some of the scorn and discrimination might be deserved, and general low self esteem is quite common among both gays and lesbians.
And example of internalized homophobia occurred this year when I invited a gay friend to come march in the Gay/Lesbian Pride Parade in June. In response to my invitation he replied, “Gay Pride, what a joke, it should be called Gay Shame. Don’t invite me to participate in that farce!” That was a particularly clear example.
Lesbian couples are forced even more strongly that hetero couples to depend on each other and on their relationship for creating a safe and satisfying life. Since hetero couples are finding this increasingly difficult to do in the face of the breakdown of our society, it is not surprising that lesbian couples find this an additional source of pressure on the relationship.
Society expects women to be nicer, more caring and less sexual than men, so lesbians carry those stereotypes as to how they should be. If anything, lesbians may be more caught up in the romantic myths than heteros. When the couple has difficulties being nice, caring and sexually compatible, it threatens their internal beliefs about how women are, and makes it more difficult to try to examine what is wrong in the relationship.
Lesbians, being women, commonly have more financial stress in their relationships as good paying jobs, and jobs with health insurance, are much less available to them. Since they cannot legally marry, even if one partner has health insurance through their job, it cannot be extended to their partner as a job benefit.
If they decide to have and raise a child together, society does not recognize that the partner who did not give birth has any claim at all on the child, even if she has participated 100% from before the moment of its conception in the child’s life, financially and in every other way. The law does not allow another person of the same sex to jointly adopt a child, although this is currently being challenged.
AVAILABILITY OF SERVICES FOR LESBIANS
While many shelters admit battered lesbians, the woman may not be comfortable in identifying herself as a lesbian within the shelter. She may not be “out” at all, and yet when discussing the battering, may have difficulty in always implying that her partner is male. It may be easier for a woman to learn the location of battered womens’ shelters. A percentage of the women working in the shelters are lesbians, and they may not treat battering within lesbian relationships as seriously as that in heterosexual relationships. So hiding out in a shelter may be out of the question for a battered lesbian if her partner is determined to find her and confront her.
If the lesbian is an S&M lifestylist, many shelters might not admit her, believing that there is no difference between battering and SM and that any woman involved in such a relationship is getting what she asked for. Many therapists share this view to the point of being unwilling to even ask any questions, so counseling may be unavailable.
The shelter itself may be hesitant to allow lesbians to be there or work there for fear that if the shelter becomes known as a place that allows lesbians, they may lose their funding from the community. While the womens’ movement in general has stopped rejecting lesbians, the larger society has not, and the shelters exist within that context.
Particularly in communities with less gay/lesbian activism, a battered lesbian or lesbian couple who need help may be hesitant to go into any sort of counseling for fear the counselor will just try to treat them for “lesbianism”.
PROSPECTS FOR THE FUTURE IN SERVICES TO REDUCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS
The prospects for the future for both hetero and gay/lesbian domestic violence reduction is very good. The growth of this movement has been absolutely phenomenal! While it may seem much too slow to those in the trenches, if looked at historically, it is building at an astounding rate. It takes about 50 years for a political change to come to full fruition. Since the domestic violence movement is about 15 years old, I hope in moments of discouragement that all those involved can take heart from the huge change in public education and sentiment that has taken place in such a short time.
I also sincerely hope that many of the people now becoming involved in stopping DV don’t become so angry and impatient that they drop out of social activism completely. Social change takes a long time and there is no other way to do it. If these were simple problems, we would have solved them by now. Many sincere, well-intentioned people work on social issues from many different points of view. People who do not agree to the one perfect solution do not have to be seen as enemies.
Being a social activist means dealing continually with difficult and upsetting problems, having to learn to work with people who have very different points of view about the nature of the problem and the best solution, continually educating yourself and being willing to be educated by others (including some you don’t like), seldom if ever being thanked or understood by the society you are trying to help, and learning to take care of yourself and keep your sense of humor while it feels as if you were attempting to dip out the ocean with a teacup.
Together I hope we will continue to work to create a society that meets the needs of the largest possible number of people while also saving the earth.
(As is usual in social change, nothing turns out even slightly like you hoped. The current hysteria over DV has created a monster in the form of laws and practices which fail to discriminate between violence and normal human friction in relationships. I fear many people will spend a lot of money, and time in jail before these laws are reformed.)
RESOURCES
(please keep in mind this list was written in 1990-I hope to update it soon.)
Advocates for Abused & Battered Lesbians (AABL). A support group for Lesbians who are controlled, isolated, humiliated or abused by their Lesbian lovers. Tuesday 7-8:30 p.m. Call 206-328-3442 for location.
Battered Lesbian Resource Committee. A support group for battered Lesbians, and a committee working on other issues surrounding Lesbian Battering. Call 206-322-DYKE and ask to speak to someone from the B.L.R.C. A Lesbian Resource Center sponsored group.
Beyond the Closet Bookstore. Seattle’s only exclusively Lesbian and Gay bookstore. 1501 Belmont Ave. at Pike St., Seattle 98122. 206-322- 4609.
Domestic Abuse Women’s Network. Assistance for battered women in the South King County area. Support groups, legal advocacy, 24 hour crisis line, safe homes, community education, 206-854-7867.
Lesbian Resource Center (Pacific Women’s Resources). Offers a drop-in center, lending library, comprehensive newsletter of Lesbian events, projects and programs, ongoing support groups such as Lesbians of Color, Over Forty, Coming Out, Lesbians in Transition. Volunteers are most welcome for all LRC activities. M-F 2-7pm. 1208 E Pine. 322-3953.
Seattle Counseling Service for Sexual Minorities. 206-282-9307 Mon- Fri noon-9pm, phone counseling, crisis intervention, information and referral, individual, couple, family and groups counseling available for sexual minorities and concerned others. 200 W Mercer, Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98119. Business phone 206-282-9314 M-F 9-5.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
“Behind Closed Doors: Battering and Abuse in the Lesbian and Gay Community”, Elizabeth Walker, MA, The Sourcebook on Lesbian and Gay Healthcare, National Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation, Washington, D.C. 1986
“Can We Talk”, Peggy Taylor, New Age Journal, Dec 1990, pgs 31-33, 60-64, 107-108
“Chapter Three, The Social and Legal History of Wife Beating”, Roger Langley and Richard Levy, Wife Beating, the silent crisis, Pocket Books 1977, pgs 44-57
“Chapter Eleven, Battered Men”, Roger Langley and Richard Levy, Wife Beating, the silent crisis, Pocket Books 1977, pgs 198-208
Getting Free, a handbook for women in abusive relationships, Ginny NiCarthy, Seal Press, Seattle 1982, pgs 35-54
“The Codependent Cinderella Who Loves Too Much…Fights Back”, Marianne Walters, The Family Networker, July/Aug 1990, pgs 53-57
“Groups For Lesbians” a subchapter of “Groups for Special Populations”, NiCarthy, Merriam and Coffman, Talking It Out, a guide to groups for abused women, Seal Press, Seattle 1984, pgs 130-138
The Harper’s Index Book, 1,159 numbers that count from the Harper’s magazine index, America’s favorite list of vital statistics, Lapham et al editors, Holt and Co. 1987
“A House Divided: Violence in the Lesbian S/M Community”, Pat Califia, Living in Leather V, Portland, OR 1990
“Husbands and wives should be best friends, Myth #1″, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 7-11
“Introduction”, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 1-6
“Leaving and Staying Away”, Ginny NiCarthy, The Ones Who Got Away, women who left abusive partners, Seal Press, Seattle 1987, pgs 309-325
“Lesbian Abuse”, Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Daividson, You Can Be Free, an easy to read handbook for abused women, Seal Press, Seattle 1989, pgs 103-108
“Emotional Safety as a Bottom”, Dana Rosenfeld, The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, Lace Publications, Boston 1988, pgs 1-3
“Lessons From the Women Who Got Away”, Ginny NiCarthy, The Ones Who Got Away, women who left abusive partners, Seal Press, Seattle 1987, pgs 294-308
Loveshock, how to recover from a broken heart and love again, Stephen Guillo, PhD and Connie Church, Simon and Schuster 1988, pgs 11-21, 43- 77, 90-95, 135-153, 165-181
“Mass Market Romance: Pornography for Women is Different”, Ann Barr Snitow, Powers of Desire, the politics of sexuality, Monthly Review Press 1983, pgs 245-263
Naming the Violence: speaking out about lesbian battering, Seal Press, Seattle 1986
“The New Romanticism: Illusions and Realities”, Morton Hunt, The Natural History of Love, Minerva Press 1959, pgs 363-371 & 396
“Romantic love makes a good marriage, Myth #2″, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 12-17
Swept Away: why women fear their own sexuality, Carol Cassell, PhD., Simon and Schuster 1984, pg 26
“Unfreezing Gender Roles”, Andrew Meacham, Changes, for and about adult children, Mar/Ap 1990, pgs 23 & 56
“Us and Them”, Maggie Scarf, The Family Networker, Sept/Oct 1989, pgs 62-67
“Whats Wrong With Relationships Today?”, Andrew Meacham, Changes, for and about adult children, Mar/Ap 1990, pgs 22-23, 52-54
Night Owl Home
“Behind Closed Doors: Battering and Abuse in the Lesbian and Gay Community”, Elizabeth Walker, MA, The Sourcebook on Lesbian and Gay Healthcare, National Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation, Washington, D.C. 1986
“Can We Talk”, Peggy Taylor, New Age Journal, Dec 1990, pgs 31-33, 60-64, 107-108
“Chapter Three, The Social and Legal History of Wife Beating”, Roger Langley and Richard Levy, Wife Beating, the silent crisis, Pocket Books 1977, pgs 44-57
“Chapter Eleven, Battered Men”, Roger Langley and Richard Levy, Wife Beating, the silent crisis, Pocket Books 1977, pgs 198-208
Getting Free, a handbook for women in abusive relationships, Ginny NiCarthy, Seal Press, Seattle 1982, pgs 35-54
“The Codependent Cinderella Who Loves Too Much…Fights Back”, Marianne Walters, The Family Networker, July/Aug 1990, pgs 53-57
“Groups For Lesbians” a subchapter of “Groups for Special Populations”, NiCarthy, Merriam and Coffman, Talking It Out, a guide to groups for abused women, Seal Press, Seattle 1984, pgs 130-138
The Harper’s Index Book, 1,159 numbers that count from the Harper’s magazine index, America’s favorite list of vital statistics, Lapham et al editors, Holt and Co. 1987
“A House Divided: Violence in the Lesbian S/M Community”, Pat Califia, Living in Leather V, Portland, OR 1990
“Husbands and wives should be best friends, Myth #1″, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 7-11
“Introduction”, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 1-6
“Leaving and Staying Away”, Ginny NiCarthy, The Ones Who Got Away, women who left abusive partners, Seal Press, Seattle 1987, pgs 309-325
“Lesbian Abuse”, Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Daividson, You Can Be Free, an easy to read handbook for abused women, Seal Press, Seattle 1989, pgs 103-108
“Emotional Safety as a Bottom”, Dana Rosenfeld, The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, Lace Publications, Boston 1988, pgs 1-3
“Lessons From the Women Who Got Away”, Ginny NiCarthy, The Ones Who Got Away, women who left abusive partners, Seal Press, Seattle 1987, pgs 294-308
Loveshock, how to recover from a broken heart and love again, Stephen Guillo, PhD and Connie Church, Simon and Schuster 1988, pgs 11-21, 43- 77, 90-95, 135-153, 165-181
“Mass Market Romance: Pornography for Women is Different”, Ann Barr Snitow, Powers of Desire, the politics of sexuality, Monthly Review Press 1983, pgs 245-263
Naming the Violence: speaking out about lesbian battering, Seal Press, Seattle 1986
“The New Romanticism: Illusions and Realities”, Morton Hunt, The Natural History of Love, Minerva Press 1959, pgs 363-371 & 396
“Romantic love makes a good marriage, Myth #2″, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 12-17
Swept Away: why women fear their own sexuality, Carol Cassell, PhD., Simon and Schuster 1984, pg 26
“Unfreezing Gender Roles”, Andrew Meacham, Changes, for and about adult children, Mar/Ap 1990, pgs 23 & 56
“Us and Them”, Maggie Scarf, The Family Networker, Sept/Oct 1989, pgs 62-67
“Whats Wrong With Relationships Today?”, Andrew Meacham, Changes, for and about adult children, Mar/Ap 1990, pgs 22-23, 52-54
BIBLIOGRAPHY
“Behind Closed Doors: Battering and Abuse in the Lesbian and Gay Community”, Elizabeth Walker, MA, The Sourcebook on Lesbian and Gay Healthcare, National Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation, Washington, D.C. 1986
“Can We Talk”, Peggy Taylor, New Age Journal, Dec 1990, pgs 31-33, 60-64, 107-108
“Chapter Three, The Social and Legal History of Wife Beating”, Roger Langley and Richard Levy, Wife Beating, the silent crisis, Pocket Books 1977, pgs 44-57
“Chapter Eleven, Battered Men”, Roger Langley and Richard Levy, Wife Beating, the silent crisis, Pocket Books 1977, pgs 198-208
Getting Free, a handbook for women in abusive relationships, Ginny NiCarthy, Seal Press, Seattle 1982, pgs 35-54
“The Codependent Cinderella Who Loves Too Much…Fights Back”, Marianne Walters, The Family Networker, July/Aug 1990, pgs 53-57
“Groups For Lesbians” a subchapter of “Groups for Special Populations”, NiCarthy, Merriam and Coffman, Talking It Out, a guide to groups for abused women, Seal Press, Seattle 1984, pgs 130-138
The Harper’s Index Book, 1,159 numbers that count from the Harper’s magazine index, America’s favorite list of vital statistics, Lapham et al editors, Holt and Co. 1987
“A House Divided: Violence in the Lesbian S/M Community”, Pat Califia, Living in Leather V, Portland, OR 1990
“Husbands and wives should be best friends, Myth #1″, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 7-11
“Introduction”, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 1-6
“Leaving and Staying Away”, Ginny NiCarthy, The Ones Who Got Away, women who left abusive partners, Seal Press, Seattle 1987, pgs 309-325
“Lesbian Abuse”, Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Daividson, You Can Be Free, an easy to read handbook for abused women, Seal Press, Seattle 1989, pgs 103-108
“Emotional Safety as a Bottom”, Dana Rosenfeld, The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, Lace Publications, Boston 1988, pgs 1-3
“Lessons From the Women Who Got Away”, Ginny NiCarthy, The Ones Who Got Away, women who left abusive partners, Seal Press, Seattle 1987, pgs 294-308
Loveshock, how to recover from a broken heart and love again, Stephen Guillo, PhD and Connie Church, Simon and Schuster 1988, pgs 11-21, 43- 77, 90-95, 135-153, 165-181
“Mass Market Romance: Pornography for Women is Different”, Ann Barr Snitow, Powers of Desire, the politics of sexuality, Monthly Review Press 1983, pgs 245-263
Naming the Violence: speaking out about lesbian battering, Seal Press, Seattle 1986
“The New Romanticism: Illusions and Realities”, Morton Hunt, The Natural History of Love, Minerva Press 1959, pgs 363-371 & 396
“Romantic love makes a good marriage, Myth #2″, Arnold Lazarus PhD, Marital Myths, Impact Publishers 1985, pgs 12-17
Swept Away: why women fear their own sexuality, Carol Cassell, PhD., Simon and Schuster 1984, pg 26
“Unfreezing Gender Roles”, Andrew Meacham, Changes, for and about adult children, Mar/Ap 1990, pgs 23 & 56
“Us and Them”, Maggie Scarf, The Family Networker, Sept/Oct 1989, pgs 62-67
“Whats Wrong With Relationships Today?”, Andrew Meacham, Changes, for and about adult children, Mar/Ap 1990, pgs 22-23, 52-54