Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail? Essay, Research Paper
Why marriages succeed or fail was an interesting book. This book would be a great help if you had problems with your marriage. There are a lot of facts and different tests to take to see where you are. I thought that our text was more helpful in guiding to a good relationship. I felt that are text had more information and seemed to have more points about marriages. John Gottman talked about fixing marriages and our text talked more about preventing a situation. If I had a problem I would probably go through our text first. John shows in his book that is important for couples to work out their differences than have compatible views. Why marriages succeed or fail deals more in how to work out differences than anything. His research identifies the common mistakes both men and women make and what to do about them. There were a lot of different issues that John talked about compared to our book. I thought that there were similar issues, but John had a different understanding and way of solving the problems. John Gottman and are text had different types of styles. They were kind of similar but some led in different directions, some got me confused while trying to compare them. It seemed that John talked about conflict a lot, and the way it is used in Marriage. It seems that John has different ways to resolve a conflict.
I thought that the text formula for a successful marriage was easy to follow. John Gottman s way helps focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day to day moments. The text talks about how you have to think and care for yourself and your partner and how marriage is a two-person commitment. When John talks about this, he is already suggesting ways to fix your marriage. John points out that how you fight will show if your marriage succeeds or fails. John talks more about how to stay in a successful marriage than the steps to one. Why marriages succeed or fail deals more with the negative side of marriage. John s book is here to help us in resolving conflict. John states, One of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness. (Why 1)
The first thing that I noticed that John talks about and our book mentions often is conflict. John feels that a lasting marriage results from a couple s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. (2) Both books talk about style in resolving conflict. John classifies conflict in different types of marriages. John has three different types of conflict styles; validating marriage, conflict-avoiding marriage, and volatile marriage. In our text they categorize conflicts resolution in the different types of style; competitive, collaborative, compromise, avoidance, and accommodating style. The book also gives six steps in resolving conflict. The only similarities that I could see with John and the text are when couples agree to disagree. Both books talk about avoidance when in a conflict. I think that it is easier for a couple to avoid the situation and move on. The thing about avoidance is that it causes more conflict. It is no good to avoid conflict; this can only make things worse. According to Gottman, avoidant couples often minimize conflict by agreeing to disagree. (Marriage 1) Another way that avoidant couples use is stonewalling. John Gottman talks about stonewalling when he talks about the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. For a couple, avoidance has a negative influence on the relationship.
The four horsemen of the Apocalypse is a good thing to know as a married couple. Four disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage your attempt to communicate with your partner. (Why 3) These are dangerous to your marriage because they can bring out the negativity of your relationship. They can make a happy couple into an unhappy couple. The text does not talk about these and I think they should. These can make you withdraw from your marriage. It seems that these are kind of people who would rather have conflicts them have them resolved. You can put these in the categories for warning signs. The text talks about warning signs, but not in depth like John Gottmans book. Once you reach the fourth stage your marriage will most likely end in a divorce. They say that more than fifty percent of marriages will end up in divorce. I think that these patterns are a love killer for a relationship.
I felt by reading this book that John thinks all marriages fail. He really did not have any positive points about being married. These positive points can cancel out the negative ones if there are enough. For me, I would not rely on his book; I thought the text gave some good advice. By reading this book I saw that there is a conflict for everything. I wish he would give some information about the positive and negative reasons for getting married. I thought that it would have been interesting to see some examples of how gay couples dealt with these types of issues. I thought the tests after each section of the book was a good ideas, this can help couples see where their marriage is. I likes John s point about the five to one ratio. This ratio can help people by having five positive moments to cancel out that one negative moment.